A Colleague Demonstrates Ball Catching Expertise
Usain Bolt - An Apparently Quick Human
Well, where do I start? First of all the Welsh Terrier so expertly catching the ball is not me. For some reason my manservant is incapable of doing two things at once eg: throwing the ball and taking a photograph at the same time. My female servant claims to be capable of multi-tasking but so far has proved incapable of capturing my expertise on camera whist peeling the potatoes, talking on the telephone and reading a book. The photo is thus for illustrative purposes only. So, I have set ten tasks to demonstrate the superior athletic qualities of the Welsh Terrier compared to his or her human counterparts. My servants objected that some of the tasks were not pure athletics but this is my page so tough luck to them!
1. SPEED
Usain Bolt, the fastest human on record over 100 and 200 meters achieved a speed of 27.79mph between 60 and 80 meters before being forced to decelerate. Now though I don't normally run much above 20mph, I can hit 30+mph when I need to, such as when I got mistaken for a rabbit by Connie the ex-track greyhound (45mph) who was fortunately muzzled at the time. That's 30mph whilst ducking and diving! Plus the fact my inside rear leg measurement is 9" compared to Bolt's 36", so multiply by 4 and you'll see that I can run at the human equivalent of 120mph. Even if you half that because I have the advantage of 4 legs, that's still the equivalent of 60 Usain Bolt miles per hour...and the man calls himself an athlete!
2. CATCHING A BALL OR FRISBEE IN THE MOUTH
Ten throws - Ten catches. How hard is that? Well, if you're a human it appears to be very hard indeed! My female servant refused to take part in the challenge. My male servant, although able to catch peanuts reasonably well, failed miserably with every attempt with the tennis ball and split his lip on the first attempt with the frisbee. Quod erat demonstrandum!
3. SCRATCHING HEAD WITH BACK FEET
Despite years of yoga, aerobics, zumba or other bendy activities, my female servant has never achieved this simple and often pleasurable task. My male servant cannot even touch his toes! QED again baby!
4. LICKING WILLY
My servants refuse to even acknowledge this considerable skill. My points again!
5. SNIFFING OWN BOTTOM
Again my servants are unhappy about this as a legitimate event. Why? I'll tell you why - THEY CAN'T DO IT!
6. EATING HORSE POO
They won't do this either so I'm sure you can see that I'm heading for a clean sweep.
7. EATING OWN VOMIT
Now this is a two part event. Stage 1: Vomit Stage 2: Eat as much of it as you can before your servants can stop you. My servants have apparently only ever achieved the first stage of this event.
8. CATCHING SQUIRRELS
I admit that I have only achieved this the once despite many chases. However, my human servants never get off the starting blocks and just seem to stand there looking at the said rodents. I can only put it down to fear on their part...but whatever the case, that is a score of 1:0 to me! Watch and learn humans!
9. BARKING AT INVISIBLE OBJECTS
I use the word "invisible" with reservation. Of course they're there! I see them: I bark. The servants look to see the invisible object but fail every time and so are obviously not entitled to bark under the rules of the game. Sometimes I see many invisible objects and thus I must bark continuously. This is a sport in which humans must try harder if they're going to make any progress. London Olympics in a few months. Will they be competing? I think not!
10. DOG BOWL ROULETTE
I only get to play this game when Mac and Sam the Border Terriers visit. I've given up all hope on training my servants to compete in this sport. I make it clear that I am quite prepared to eat their dinners and they can eat mine but they seem totally incapable of understanding the rules. The rules are simple. Three dogs - three bowls of food. Mac and Sam try to eat mine while I eat theirs - a difficult task as I've got to try finishing two bowls before they've finished one. Sometimes Mac will counter by pushing me off Sam's bowl, Sam then moves to Mac's which forces me to mine; on seeing this they both go for my bowl leaving me the option of either of theirs. Complex and fast moving - fattest stomach wins!
And so I rest my case. Welsh Terrier 10 Humans 0
